Time does nothing but tick. Count the days that go by and it will never change the fact that waking up without you and every constant reminder that you are gone takes me right back to day one. Over and over again. I will love you forever and miss you for always.
I don’t want to do today.
I dont want to get up or even wake up. This day is too much for me to handle. So is tomorrow and so was yesterday. I don’t want to go to a cemetery to visit my daughter. I don’t want to plan a party she won’t attend. I don’t want to have this hole in the pit of my stomach that aches so bad. I don’t want to smile or laugh. I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. I don’t have a choice.
I want you back.
I want to hold you again. I want to smell you and i want to know what you look like now. I want things to be the way they use to be when there was so much hope and we were complete.
I wanted you to be healed. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to watch you blossom.
I miss you.
I have so many thoughts going through my head. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m ready to conquer the world and plaster the smile on my face that’s needed to give me just enough strength to convince myself that i can. Somethings though, I’m stuck. Literally. I can’t get past the road blocks and the realization hits me that she’s gone. Again. Like it just happened and I’m paralyzed in grief. It’s unexplainable but writing and expressing helps me get it out. Putting into words how i feel at that moment. What triggered me and above all remembering how much i love my baby girl and just want to hold her but i can’t. This is my way of expressing that to..her. And just maybe there are people that can relate. I’ll post things on my personal Facebook sometimes but as much as i love the responses of strength and love, i feel like I’m asking for pity. It’s the opposite. I do it for strength and I just need to express myself. So here i am. My expression, my words and thoughts. My blog. Not sure how well this is going to go so here goes nothing.