Time does nothing but tick. Count the days that go by and it will never change the fact that waking up without you and every constant reminder that you are gone takes me right back to day one. Over and over again. I will love you forever and miss you for always.
I don’t want to do today.
I dont want to get up or even wake up. This day is too much for me to handle. So is tomorrow and so was yesterday. I don’t want to go to a cemetery to visit my daughter. I don’t want to plan a party she won’t attend. I don’t want to have this hole in the pit of my stomach that aches so bad. I don’t want to smile or laugh. I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. I don’t have a choice.
I want you back.
I want to hold you again. I want to smell you and i want to know what you look like now. I want things to be the way they use to be when there was so much hope and we were complete.
I wanted you to be healed. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to watch you blossom.
I miss you.
I came across a picture today in my memories. Back when i use to post about love on Valentine’s Day. Now I don’t post because if I do i almost feel like I’m cheating on her. We loved this holiday together but she wasn’t the only one, gigi loves it too. I always wanted to make them feel a little more special and buy the girls a cute shirt and give them all little chocolate hearts. So they would get more than the general valentines from school and didn’t need to be admired by someone to feel a little extra special. The pic i came across had homemade posters and cute little candy jar gifts the kids made. The cards were all in Celeste’s writing and i knew she orchestrated the whole thing. She was famous for that. Then i realized. Stuck in my own grief i forgot about making the kids feel special. I don’t decorate the house anymore or buy them chocolate hearts or their favorite candy. I tried last year and made everyone sushi and they loved it. I know they can see my hurt, but they hurt too. How can i be so selfish not to take into consideration that they lost their sister and part of their mom. That part of me that will never be the same. That part of me that’s completely gone..they lost her too. I can’t refuse to love because I’m broken or refuse to accept love because I’m broken. But how do i love them whole when I’m not whole? A mothers love is supposed to be equal.
Today i decided i was going to use the strength that Celeste did. We didn’t know how sever then but she was sick a lot. She didn’t feel good and was under a lot of stress in her sport. Yet she went the extra mile to make us feel loved. Today instead of mourning her and crying, I did my best to show my love for others. Not material love but a better love than I’ve given the past few valentines and i didn’t feel guilty. I felt strong and i felt the spirit of my baby girl. I still missed her today. I always will but i didn’t hide away like the past. Maybe i made some growth. Maybe it was just a better day and it will hit another day but for once in 5 years i was able to say Happy Valentine’s Day because I love you❤️
-the ‘After’ me
I have so many thoughts going through my head. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m ready to conquer the world and plaster the smile on my face that’s needed to give me just enough strength to convince myself that i can. Somethings though, I’m stuck. Literally. I can’t get past the road blocks and the realization hits me that she’s gone. Again. Like it just happened and I’m paralyzed in grief. It’s unexplainable but writing and expressing helps me get it out. Putting into words how i feel at that moment. What triggered me and above all remembering how much i love my baby girl and just want to hold her but i can’t. This is my way of expressing that to..her. And just maybe there are people that can relate. I’ll post things on my personal Facebook sometimes but as much as i love the responses of strength and love, i feel like I’m asking for pity. It’s the opposite. I do it for strength and I just need to express myself. So here i am. My expression, my words and thoughts. My blog. Not sure how well this is going to go so here goes nothing.